Show me the meaning
by FicFan07
Summary: Jessie and Katie in future. They drifted apart, why they broke up, would they meet again....
1. Show me the meaning of being lonely

**Title: ****Show me the meaning**

**Summary: ****Jessie and Katie in future. They drifted apart, why they broke up, would they may meet again...**

**Disclaimer: All 'once and again' characters belong to ABC. I'll own a few fictitious ones that will pop up every now and then. I am just ****borrowing the names of places, bands, venues/songs or any part of the story. So again, except the plotline I don't own anything.**

**Pairing: Jessie/Katie**

**Ratings: ****M (though I am not sure how this works exactly)**

**Reviews: Please ******** … would be much appreciated**

**A/N: ****This is my first fiction ever. I write poems and this is a new territory I would like to explore. Reason for writing this fiction – I have read most of the fictions posted on the group and I absolutely love the 'love' between Jessie and Katie sketched by various authors. I will try to use similar looks of these characters as has been established over and over by all the wonderful writers. The innocence of the original character portrayed on 'Once and Again' still intrigues me whenever I watch any clip and I just wanted to see if my writing skills can do any justice to these wonderful characters. **

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**Chapter 1: Show me the meaning of being lonely**

_**Jessica Elizabeth Sammler, a.k.a Jessie, 24, tall, slender, beautiful with crystal blue eyes, is an upcoming artist and a promising screenwriter. During high school, her inclination towards theater/art grew more by the day and luckily got admitted to and graduated from UCLA School of Theater, film and television. She does a bit of many things. She does theater, writes for small shows, sings for plays sometimes and also has become a regular with her Brother Eli's band 'Euphoria'. **_

"uh..oh" Jessie muttered under her breath and started cleaning the coffee from breakfast table which got spilled when Lily entered the kitchen and startled 'the-oh-so-lost-in-thoughts' Jessie.

**Lily**: "Are you okay Jessie?"

**Jessie**: "Yeah… I am fine; I just didn't expect anybody up so early" _Of course stupid me! To expect such a thing in Sammler-Manning house!_

**Lily**: "Oh okay. I just came down to get some water."

If only Jessie could explain the real reason for her being so jumpy! Something like this happened few years back too. Jessie was about to deepen the kiss with 'her' when Lily had entered the living room startling them both. That day had changed so many things in Jessie's life and today when she was yet again lost in her own world that for her, exists almost in parallel to this very world in which her body functions and mind is most of the time on auto-run, Lily entered the Kitchen giving Jessie the same feeling as if she was caught doing something this world didn't expect out of her.

Just when Lily was getting water from the refrigerator, the phone started ringing.

"Hello" Lily answered the phone. "Hello Eli… I am fine… yeah here… Jessie this is for you"

**Jessie**: "Hello"

**Eli**: "Hey Jess… guess what, people loved our last performance!"

**Jessie**: "That's great". _Why am I trying so desperately to sound a bit excited? Why does nothing make me excited now? Come on Voice! Sound cheery…yes…CHEERY… and… Let's put ears to work too…listen!_

**Eli**: "Yeah…well there is more news… we've been offered another gig… there is this huge charity event and many celebrities are expected to turn up … you know for publicity stuff and all"

**Jessie**: "Okay… so from your tone, I guess we are getting good money… which doesn't sound appropriate considering this is supposed to be a charity event… and where is the event taking place?" _I should try a bit harder in suppressing this anxiety every time I get to hear the venue of their next performance. Moreover last time we performed in NY, my hope of finding that one familiar face in audience, my wish to sing while looking into those adoring green eyes at least once again in this lifetime, turned quite futile…well nobody knows for sure if she is still in NY…Russel mentioned seeing her in NY five years back…but he didn't actually meet her… may be he saw somebody else…damn it! I don't even know where to look for her…I just want to meet her once… may be apologize… oops tears starting to build up…stop… listen to HIM!_

**Eli**: "Yup… I see you know your brother quite well! But seriously this is an AIDS something charity event and people with huge bank balances are donating while most of the performers are getting paid for their diligent effort… so don't try to give me any guilty pangs… besides; I would go even without the money… you know. I just don't want to loose an opportunity like this to meet some people up in the ladder. And Miss. Attention-to-nitty-gritty-details, we'll be performing in Oakland coliseum… so you should get all your hot dresses and get ready to break some hearts in San Francisco"

**Jessie**: "I guess San Francisco should be warned – the Sammlers are coming!!"_ yeah try a little humor … it wouldn't hurt your stupid brain…_

**Eli**: "Ha-ha"

**Jessie**: _I can hear him grinning through the phone, he may not be big on brains, but he is sweet… 'Coz he is MY brother… focus! _"About this opportunity, I guess you are right …so when do we leave? I have to come back to get all my stuff for the event… I just came here for a short vacation so didn't bring much!!" …_and don't be sad, she may not be in NY, may be she moved to London…hmmm…may be we could perform in London next time… how about pulling off a gig for Queen herself …now I am being crazy…again!_

**Eli**: "We should be there next Wednesday, practice in the stadium for couple of days and then perform live in front of THOUSANDS of people on Saturday!!"

**Jessie**: "OKAY … I get it … this one is BIG! Anyway, I'll see you on Monday and we'll drive from there on Wednesday…right?"

**Eli**: "Sounds like a plan! Give my love to rest of the Sammlers and all of the Mannings.. .later gator!"

**Jessie**: "Sure…Bye Eli"

Jessie went back to attic and was about to lie down on her bed when something on her study desk caught her glance. It was a picture from Jake's wedding. They were looking so happy, so content, so at peace with everything around them. Jessie closed her eyes and her mind went down the same memory lane she so often visited as that lane, that city, that world was all named after one person and truly belonged to – KATIE

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They were sitting in the garden, after that hectic photo session where this picture was taken at Jake's wedding, just enjoying each other's company.

"Jess…do you believe in marriage? You know 'forever' thing"

The question caught her off guard …she stared into those amazing green eyes and knew that this question was asked with a lot of sincerity so she answered sincerely "No…the term marriage is not the best word in my dictionary since my parent's divorce…but I want to believe in 'forever'. I don't know if the concept of being somebody's soul mate holds true in real life but I want to believe in my 'soul' which is happy as its in love… with 'you' and it wants to be with your 'soul' till eternity"

"I … umm… that was…" she couldn't muster any coherent words so she leaned in to grab Jessie's hand and planted a soft kiss on the palm. "You know I love you… I'll always love you"

"You know how badly I want to kiss you now and declare my ever-growing love to you" She sighed " … ugghh… I wish we were someplace alone…. may be we shouldn't talk cheesy stuff when we are in public, it's hard to control this sudden urge to … ravage you!" she shyly looked away hearing her own choice of words

"Wow what a turn around…from cheesy forever-love-soul stuff to ravage-you…Ms.Sammler this is the first time I see an animal instinct in you!"

"Well as a very intelligent sophisticated human being, I don't want to forget the legacy given by our great-great-ancestors… especially when I see a clear streak of resemblance right here in front of me"

After few seconds, "OhMyGod… did you just call me an Ape?" she mocked a frown.

"I may have….what would you do about it?" she matched the playfulness

"Well you would get the answer when I drop you at your mother's place tonight… but for now, another VERY intelligent human being is calling us" she said pointing towards Grace who was making gestures at them to come inside the hall.

After the reception, Katie drove Jessie to Karen's place. She went inside and Karen was watching TV in the living room. On hearing the sound of door opening and closing, Karen looked up and smiled

"Hello Dear …Hello Katie …How was the wedding?"

"Hello Mrs. Sammler"

"It was fun..." she said sitting next to her mom which of course Katie didn't like

"I am glad you had fun…" then she turned to Katie "Would you like to join us?" she said noticing that Katie was still standing

"Thank you Mrs. Sammler… but I should go and finish my homework" she looked at Jessie who had assumed a sad expression on hearing that Katie is leaving, before continuing "Oh Jess… Could you give me that paper back you borrowed for your English assignment? I need it for reference for another Dimitri paper" she rolled her eyes to emphasize her teacher's name while Karen looked at her…Obviously amused!

"ummm…uhh.." she stuttered thinking hard to remember which paper Katie was talking about … then she looked at the twinkle in Katie's eyes and it hit her "oh that one… sure" she said walking towards her room

"Goodnight Mrs. Sammler" she said following Jessie to her room

"Goodnight dear" said Karen turning her attention back to the show on TV

Jessie's room

Jessie was about to say something when Katie followed her in her room but before she could utter a word, she noticed Katie's body coming ONTO her. She expected a hug or a kiss but THIS was scaring her. Katie was moving like a zombie and her body was pushing Jessie's body towards bed without using her arms or hands. Jessie could move sideways but couldn't do as she was holding Katie's gaze and it has been always hard for Jessie to tear away from that gaze. Jessie's legs hit the bedside and she slumped on bed and Katie pinned her down. Jessie was trying hard to make sense of all this. Her thought process in progress "_Katie has straddled me and in a split second, she started beating on her chest like a ….. like a….monkey… uhhh….like a… chimpanzee…may be like an ape……AAAAAAAPPPPPEEEEE_!" Jessie was about to break into fits of laughter but she was stopped with a very passionate kiss. They were getting carried away in the kiss when Katie reluctantly pushed herself away and smiled

"Just FYI, if you would call me a monkey, I would do monkey stuff and …. Much more" Katie added playfully. Amused by the whole scene, lovingly smiled at her girlfriend "you are amazing and I love everything about you… even this 'animal' stuff" she said before leaning up to kiss those very beautiful-but-now-swollen lips. She started trailing kisses on the jaw-line moving towards neck when she felt Katie pushing herself away

"I should go or we will be writing a paper on how-to-get-busted-while-making-out" she said quickly placing a peck on Jessie's lips and assuring Jessie with just her eyes that she wants this as much as her but is just being responsible.

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Jessie opened her eyes and picked up her ringing cell phone

**Jessie**: "Hello"

"Hey there… may I add sleeping beauty… you sound like one?"

_**Katherine Singer, a.k.a Katie, 25, tall, trim, beautiful with emerald green eyes and a charmer. She graduated with BFA from **__**NYU Steinhardt Department of Art and started working on documentaries which helped her travel to different places around the world. **__**She loves photography and many of the pictures she takes, make it to big exhibitions. Most of the people know her by her alias names. She uses an alias to submit her work from the fear of being found out. **__**Very few people know her real name or her.**_

Katie was going through some of her latest pictures on her laptop while waiting for Donny in a café. She stopped at one particular image – sun was dying out and blue waters of the ocean were clearer than ever. She captured this one last week when she was in Brazil. She smiled within herself thinking how this picture represents her life; everything in her mind seems to die out in sometime except something 'blue'. She could never forget a certain pair of blue eyes even if she forced herself to. She tried running away from everything her whole being was connected to, but she couldn't run away from herself and the feelings for '_her'_ that she tried fighting all these years. She is not depressed, she is not sad; she has learned to co-exist with these feelings. She fights the memories but she loves to think about them. There is always a constant war in her head. At least this war keeps her company or she would realize how lonely she is despite the entire façade world trying to be around her. She was just staring in space when somebody shook her.

**Katie**: "Oh ...hi Donny! Sorry I was just thinking about something"

**Donny**: "Something or SOMEONE?"

**Katie**: "Busted huh? Well now that you've caught me red-handed, I should tell you – I was thinking about YOU!"… _Donny is a nice guy… good looking…smart…I wonder why he couldn't find someone special till now…and look at his smile…or laugh…he is funny too… sometimes…well he tries hard…I shouldn't make fun of him in my head, he is one of the very few true friends I have…_

**Donny**: to the waiter who had somehow made his presence known - yes I would like a latte and one of those she is having, that's all, thanks!"

Turning back to Katie- "Very funny! You do know that I have a higher fee in making appearance in thoughts and even higher if somebody dreams of me… and…"

**Katie**: "SURE…. That's why you are so rich!" … _see he is trying again…_

**Donny**: "Whatever! Anyway let's just get to the point. And just a tip that here in LA, people don't waste time in such silly chit-chats"

**Katie**: "Absolutely! I agree… people are VERY busy here. After all, coming up with ideas to constantly be in limelight is a huge task"

**Donny**: "Would you please stop being so sarcastic? Anyway we are all set for that exhibition for AIDS charity event this Saturday. Prints have already been shipped and we'll be flying to San Francisco day after tomorrow."

**Katie**: "Yes Sir!" …_why does he have to be MY agent … he could get better clients easily …make more money… he has been with me for over 4 years now… and it's been almost 8 years since………_

**Donny**: "Good! Now, tonight, you have to meet somebody… so dress up nicely…or shall I say 'sexily'…I'll pick you up around 7"

**Katie**: "Who? Are you setting me up? I should be helping you in love department rather than you setting me up on a blind date? You know I get much more action than you do…."

**Donny**: "Would you stop ranting? Just be ready around 7 and remember – this is an important appointment!!"

And before listening to Katie's reply, he got up and left.

"_Whom does Donny want me to meet?"_


	2. God bless the child

**Title: ****Show me the meaning**

**Summary: ****Jessie and Katie in future. They drifted apart, why they broke up, would they may meet again...**

**Disclaimer: All 'once and again' characters belong to ABC. I'll own a few fictitious ones that will pop up every now and then. I am just ****borrowing the names of places, bands, venues/songs or any part of the story. So again, except the plotline I don't own anything.**

**Pairing: Jessie/Katie**

**Ratings: ****M (though I am not sure how this works exactly)**

**Reviews: Please ******** … would be much appreciated**

**A/N: ****This is my first fiction ever. I write poems and this is a new territory I would like to explore. Reason for writing this fiction – I have read most of the fictions posted on the group and I absolutely love the 'love' between Jessie and Katie sketched by various authors. I will try to use similar looks of these characters as has been established over and over by all the wonderful writers. The innocence of the original character portrayed on 'Once and Again' still intrigues me whenever I watch any clip and I just wanted to see if my writing skills can do any justice to these wonderful characters. **

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**Chapter 2: God bless the child**

**Jessie**: "Hey Niki… How are you?" _I should thank her for pulling me back to reality …or NOT!!!… God I didn't even like that movie then why am I talking like Borat?… thank god this talk is only in my head…_

**Niki**: "I am good… Were you really sleeping?"

**Jessie**: "No, I was just lying down" _Although I wish I was sleeping… and dream about Katie…the dreams where I can see her, touch her, feel her…_

**Niki**: "So, it wouldn't be wrong in saying that you were thinking about HER again?"

**Jessie**: "Request for change of topic" _I hope she agrees for this one time_

**Niki**: "Granted! I would rather talk about happy future than trying to convince to let go of the past."

**Jessie**: "You know I try …. Anyway, what about future?" _I wish I could convince myself of my own efforts…_

**Niki**: "Well YOU will be working on a series of short films to be produced by OMNI!"

**Jessie**: "Wow… as in I'll be doing screenplay for these films?" _oh my god…this is great…_

**Niki**: "Yes dear… and I get to manage few new writers, new editors …basically launching undiscovered talent like you"

**Jessie**: "This sounds awesome! How did you pull off this deal?" _I am so lucky to have met Niki in college…we have come a long way…She has good people skills…she can pull off any deal she sets her mind to... ummm… except one… imagine if it was a 'yes', we would have been married by now…JESS…How about coming back to PRESENT? Oh uh…_

**Niki**: "I met a guy who knew a guy from OMNI and after meeting a couple of people here and there, I landed this contract to find new crew and cast and manage production for a series of short films and they are doing multiple films to gauge the potential in newcomers and if even a couple of these films mark any impression, I might get permanent with OMNI… but that's still a far-fetched dream… but still this is nice.. Isn't it Jessie?"

**Jessie**: "oh yes… of course it is Niki… I am so happy for you … for myself…" _I wish I could share this excitement with Katie… where is she? Why isn't she with me? Well I know why… but still WHY??"_

**Niki**: "Me too… so we'll be doing preliminary meetings in couple of weeks... when are you coming back to LA?"

**Jessie**: "I'll be back on Monday then I am going with Eli for 3-4 days… but after that I'll be in town" _I hope everything goes well…_

**Niki**: "oh EWWWPHORIA again!"

**Jessie**: "Come on… its EUphoria…you know Eli hates it when you call his band like this…" _they can never get along …unless Eli changes the name of his band!_

**Niki**: "that's the whole point! So, I guess I'll see you this Monday…"

**Jessie**: "Yeah…" _that reminds me, I need to change my ticket_

**Niki**: "Okay then…take care and be HAPPY… for a change!"

**Jessie**: "I AM happy" _I am…_

**Niki**: "If you say so, alrighty then bye"

**Jessie**: "bye"

Jessie ended the call and sighed over the whole conversation. It's a good day for her. As usual her mind plunged into another thought process.

After living through her parent's divorce, her bout with anorexia and the devastating break up with Katie, she was looking forward to start a new phase in her life. She was happy to join UCLA, happier to move away from her hometown hoping to leave behind everything that reminded her of Katie. She made the right decision – she did well in her college, made some good friends, dated people and even experienced some relationships and started her career at a young age. Anybody looking at her, knowing her loving bond with family and friends, her academic records and ever-growing career chart, would feel envious of her.

She has it all – beauty, brains, love from family and friends, money, her share of fame, the only thing she doesn't have is real 'happiness' …the kind of happiness one gets from emotional fulfillment. The contentment that her soul yearns for and there is only one person with whom she felt truly blessed. She did try to move on… she loved again… but it wasn't even an iota of what she had with 'Katie'. It was yet another task her physical being performed.

There were times she could feel her soul out wandering in search somewhere while her body going through the motion of holding hands with people she never felt connected to, her lips talking about all the things in the world she doesn't care a bit about, her ears hearing her say 'I love you's she never meant, her heart feeling nothing and not even doing anything to negate such words, her mind never registering the toll of emotional turmoil after every physical, intimate experience her body shared with others.

She can't even complaint to God, rather she is thankful for everything, she never considered herself worthy of it all… she was even given something she truly wanted. May be it was just her '_karma'_ to go through this life cycle feeling this way and may be everybody feels like this. After all, WHO is really, truly happy? She was…. Once…

She got up from her bed and headed for shower. She had to meet her Mom for breakfast and then go shopping with Zoe, who was leaving for Boston the next day. She was proud of Zoe, for choosing her desired course and getting admitted in Boston University School of Law. She can't believe how close she has become to her step-sisters. Grace is very protective about Jessie as Jessie is about Zoe but Grace is also her close friend and the only person who knows Jessie's every bit of past and present, who understand Jessie more than she does herself. Grace leads a team of very creative people in a very prestigious ad agency in LA. And their being in the same city has helped strengthen the bond.

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**Katie**: "Thanks for the ride… and everything" _I still can't believe I agreed to do this project_

**Donny: **"You are very welcome… I am glad you accepted the offer… and wearing a sexy dress did pay off… Steve was impressed…ummm…you know girls have advantage in that case, I mean why can't men have some really sexy dresses, we get stuck with these suits all the time!"

**Katie**: "Stop winking and stop obsessing about sexy dresses already… you so not sound STRAIGHT with those remarks…" _if I didn't know about Lisa, I wouldn't think for a second that he is not gay…_

**Donny:** "You don't give me enough chance to prove THAT point… but seriously Kates, I know working like this isn't you but it's always good to explore new territories… I hope it proves out to be a good career move for you"

**Katie: **"I hope so too even though contracts kind of scare me…I wouldn't get to choose what I want to shoot… it could be plays, ads, movies… I just hope they don't ask me to shoot porn…" _hey let me finish… typical…just one word like 'porn' can suck any intelligence left from his brain…I rather not get into any discussion about porn now…_

**Donny: **"Hey …that would be awesome…promise to call me if you are shooting anything even remotely matching porn…and let me know before hand if you are going to shoot some girl-on-girl action…so that…"

**Katie**: "OKAY Donny, I would let you know in advance…so that you can cancel all your appointments and see some action live… God you guys! But right NOW, let me say this----- thanks…really I mean it… Thanks" _I guess he pulled a lot of strings to get this shot for me… like others, he too wants me to take a break from my nomadic expedition… may be it won't be as bad…_

**Donny: **"Awww… what do I see here… a flash of sincerity striking from our very own Sarcasm Lady…Kiddo! don't thank me… they are hunting for new talent who could capture the 'enigma' of characters in a subtle way … and you are the best I know and I need not say 'a mysterious one' too…moreover Steve watched your documentaries before meeting us this evening… so I am sure you will do justice to the big paychecks they will be giving you"

**Katie:** "hmmm… and Donny even for this job, I don't want my name going out in print" _I don't know how long I can evade my own existence…_

**Donny: **"I already got that covered kiddo… we'll wait till you are ready"

**Katie: **"Thanks again…. You know it's killing me to say this again and again" _sometimes he looks like my brother, sometimes talks like him too…He would have grown a handsome man like Donny if he was…alive…_

**Donny: **"and here I thought you are being sincere for once, anyway… I'll see you on Tuesday… hopefully in time for flight…. Please don't make me wait again!"

**Katie: **"Your highness will try… if her alarm clock chooses to work at the required time, she will grace you with her presence for sure" _I love my royal tone…_

**Donny: **"Whatever… Queen K of KK land… Good night"

**Katie: **"I like it…KK land…hehehe…bye Donny"

**Donny: **"bye"

Katie walked in to her hotel suite and went to kitchen to get a glass of water. It had been a long day. She was used to living out of a suitcase and in some not so comfortable places but doesn't get as much tired usually as she gets in cities like LA. But it would be a good experience for her. And it's just a year, how bad it could be? If she didn't like the job, she could always pay the penalty and get herself out of the contract. She slipped into a night gown and walked out in balcony. It was a clear night … the sky was studded with stars. Nights like this make her feel so connected to nature. She always feels a peace when she is close to nature or when she was close to a certain being created magnificently by nature itself. It used to feel good when she was around 'her'. But she can't deny the other feelings she faced in their 2 month long relationship even if she wanted to. What did she ever do to deserve this hurt? Things could have been different if she had gone to church on Sundays regularly; she smiled at her own childish thought. If only life was so simple…

But then again Life was simple, wasn't it? Why did 'she' make it so complex for both of us? Katie didn't know how a simple touch, a simple kiss or a simple hug could create such complexity in life… that was before she knew Jessie. Katie closed her eyes, her mind going back….

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**Jessie**: "Hey Katie… I've been looking for you? Where were you?"

**Katie**: "You didn't show up yesterday morning so I thought may be we are not even meeting in the mornings anymore!"

**Jessie**: "Katie, you know it's not like that… come on sweetie, smile!"

**Katie**: "If it isn't like THAT then why are you whispering?"

**Jessie**: "Look… please try to understand, I'll make it up to you… I promise"

**Katie**: "Jess… I don't want to be mad at you or anything; it's just that we don't spend as much time together now… I am trying to understand, but I fail at times when I can't come up with a logical explanation of not going on our lunch walks… you would rather sit with Tad, Russell and even Grace than just being with me…I …just…I don't know…"

**Jessie**: "I am sorry…I wish I could explain… I am just not ready you know…oh here comes the bell …ummm….lets hang out after school today, your parents still on their business tour?"

**Katie**: "yeah"

**Jessie**: "See you at lunch … bye"

**Katie**: "bye"

**-----**

**Jessie**: "Hey Billie… ready to go?"

**Katie**: "yeah … let me get this damn book in the locker… and we'll be off"

**------**

**Katie's house**

**Katie**: "Jessie wait… the backpack is hurting me… let me get it off before you jump on me…"

**Jessie**: "oh sorry… you know you are looking so beautiful today, I just couldn't help myself"

**Katie**: "That explains it all… let's get to my room… and stop with that seductive smile already"

**Jessie**: "I would… when you would stop being so sexy"

Katie's room

**Katie**: "Jessie… do you want to listen to some music?"

**Jessie**: "No… I just want to do this"

Jessie pulled Katie for a kiss. Katie smiled and started kissing back holding Jessie closer, her hands on Jessie's waist. Jessie's hands made their way around Katie's neck. Jessie intensified the kiss and moved one hand under Katie's shirt earning moans from both of them. Jessie slightly pushed Katie and got them both on the bed. Katie lay on her back enveloping Jessie with her arms and Jessie was half on top of her. Katie was enjoying their make-out session immensely but something was nagging her at the back of her mind. She tried to ignore it and concentrated fully on her body's desires. Jessie started kissing Katie's neck fiercely while supporting herself on one arm and other hand making its way to Katie's breasts. Katie flinched at this, even though it wasn't a direct touch and she was wearing bra, something wasn't right; they have made-out a lot many times but haven't touched each other like this before and she always thought she would be the one initiating such things. Jessie ignored Katie's reaction and pulled her for another kiss; her hand moving up and down from Katie's breasts to her stomach, both breathing heavily… Suddenly Katie jerked up when Jessie's hand started trailing her thighs and was moving up…

**Jessie**: "What's wrong?"

**Katie**: "Jess, we are going too fast…"

**Jessie**: "so what? I want this"

Jessie tried to pull Katie towards her but Katie moved further away

**Katie**: "No Jessie… we shouldn't"

**Jessie**: "But why not! God I've wanted to touch you since morning … rather since yesterday..."

**Katie**: "Then why didn't you?"

**Jessie**: "What do you mean … that's what I was doing?"

**Katie**: "No… not NOW… why didn't you touch me since yesterday? Why can't you touch even my hand in school? Why can't you even talk to me properly let alone touching in public?"

**Jessie**: "IT ISN'T like that!"

**Katie**: "Don't raise your voice Jess, we really need to talk. I want to know what is going on in your mind. I see two different people in you. In school, you have been acting so coldly towards me, you avoid looking in my eyes, you avoid saying or hearing anything sweet or romantic, you choose to stand near Tad than me, you choose to listen to other's gibberish than my "Miss you"s and whenever we are alone, you pull a 180 on me. Where's the LOVE Billie? Are we already down to LUST?"

**Jessie**: "I've told you so many times, I am just not ready to be like that in public, why is it so hard for you to understand?"

**Katie**: "And you think we are ready for THIS? How should I understand these two contradicting things at the same time?"

**Jessie**: "I thought you want me too"

**Katie**: "Please don't cry Jessie, I want you … you know me more than I know myself and you know I want you… but I want you to love me…"

**Jessie**: "I DO… isn't this the proof?

**Katie**: "NO!!!!!!! This is YOU making it up to ME for treating me like trash in public"

**Jessie**: "Katie… I .. I ..I can NEVER think of you like that … you know you are so important to me"

**Katie**: "I was… before you started taking me for granted, before you started spending time with other friends so your family wouldn't think that WE are attached to hip or suspect your true feelings for me"

**Jessie**: "I can't believe you feel all that…I love you so much and this is just so UNFAIR…and… "

**Katie**: "you are talking about 'unfair'... ask ME! who feels like a fucking mistress"

**Jessie**: "Oh my God… I …I …I gotta go…"

**Katie**: "Jessie!! Jessie… wait!"

Katie ran after Jessie but she had already left by the time Katie came out. She felt horrible for making Jessie cry. She knew Jessie loves her but she can't escape the hurt she feels every time Jessie ignores her in public. They couldn't go on like this…

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Katie opened her eyes not wanting to think further than that incident and sighed. She missed Jessie's touch. It's been years but Jessie still had that effect on her. On this beautiful night, she felt lonely and longed for somebody's embrace… she missed the feeling of being loved. After her break up with Jessie, Katie vowed never to love again but time is big healer… she did love … at least she thought she loved Mark. He was a simple fun-loving guy. They had a good run for almost 2 years. Both had adventurous nature and fit very well being the free souls they were. They enjoyed each other's company, their interests, their likes and dislikes were quite similar but neither one could provide the stability a relationship needs. So they parted amicably knowing fully well that even more time can't save their relationship. Then there were some casual flings… Katie didn't stay at one place long enough to wait for any such fling to turn into anything serious. She was always on the go, always on the run. After all, she was running from herself and people, who have tried this, know how hard rather how impossible a task it is.

And lonely nights like these are the price she ended up paying for her efforts to escape from this world.

Once in a while, she wondered what it would be like to have Jessie back in her life but then the memories of that pain, that betrayal assured her that she is better off this way.

But now she will be in one place for a year, may be she should start looking seriously

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jessie arrived at the airport (LAX) **Monday** evening and Grace came to pick her up.

**Grace**: "How was your flight…and how is everybody doing?"

**Jessie**: "Flight was good considering I met 'somebody' and everybody is doing good… especially since you moved out" _I love to tease Grace…I can't believe I missed her_

**Grace: **"Ok… I would love to snap back a comment but I am really interested in the other part…. Somebody as in?"

**Jessie**: "Just a girl" _I am not giving in so easily_

**Grace**: "I am PMSing so better answer NOW… WHO?"

**Jessie**: "you are always PMSing… but don worry you got me scared again… she is Rachel, an artist… painting being her forte and she is also going to the event this Saturday, apparently some of her paintings are on exhibition" _I liked Rachel and she seemed interested in me too but …_

**Grace**: "Nice… go for it Jessie"

**Jessie**: "Let's see how it goes..." _I wish taking advice was as easy as taking Advil._

**Grace**: "okay… so you want me to drop you at Niki's directly or you want to take your car?"

**Jessie**: "No… I'll take my car… I want to rest for a bit too" _I missed LA…I feel good when I get lost in this always-on-the-go crowd…_

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Tuesday**

**Donny: **"Thank god you made it on time!"

**Katie**: "Four alarm clocks and a single panicked call from you did the trick" _I hate getting up this early and hate more leaving 3 days earlier to just get the whole thing set up the way I want…_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Wednesday**

**Eli: **"Jessie…lets go now… we still have drive left for couple of hours"

**Jessie**: "Wait for 5 minutes, please… I need to get another cup of coffee"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Thursday**

**Donny: **"They are setting it up alright… but I wish we got that other bigger room… but some chick got her paintings up there…"

**Katie**: "Yeah, it's alright but I want some changes… with these digital pictures, I need focus on some angles…but I guess that can be done tomorrow… so lets hit the city"

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Friday**

**Jessie:** "You are good, the paintings are amazing… they have something unique… they give …what you call…ummm… a 'cozy' feeling" _she really is talented…_

**Rachel**: "Funny"

**Jessie**: "what's funny?" _Did I say something or is there something on my face to make ME look funny_

**Rachel: **"I have received MANY compliments for my work till date, but this is the first time, that such a word is used to describe my paintings, TWICE in a single day!"

**Jessie**: "Really? Who else is as perceptive as me?" _oh here comes my pompous self back in action_

**Rachel: **"Just before you walked in, I met a photographer; she was also getting her stuff set up … I tell you getting right angles in these rooms is a pain"

**Jessie**: "oh ok… so who is this Photographer?" _why I am suddenly so interested in this photographer…Rachel might think I am already planning to hit on this chick_

**Rachel: **"She is.."

Before Rachel could finish her sentence, Eli walked in…

**Eli**: "There you are… I have been looking for you…Jessie we still got two rehearsals left…let's go… Hey Rachel… how is it going?"

**Rachel**: "Hello Eli…"

**Jessie**: "I hope I can actually sing tomorrow after soooooo many rehearsals this guy is making me do…" _I should take some honey before sleeping…_

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Saturday (Event day)**

Announcer: "And now Ladies and Gentleman…I present an upcoming band to you all, promising joy and exhilaration with their diverse music ranging from old melodies to new pop, EUPHORIA! Please give a big applause to these young artists…

Jessie on microphone: "Thank you everybody! Before we move on to our new songs, I'll take a few minutes for this very special oldie. This is kind of a ritual I do before singing anything else… so please bear with it! "Billie Holiday… God Bless the child"

In another part of the coliseum, Katie stopped dead in her tracks…_this voice… this song_

…._I need to go… _


	3. Please forgive me

**Title: ****Show me the meaning**

A/N – I used the lyrics for 'God bless the child' by Billie Holiday from an internet site. Once again, such great stuff doesn't belong to me

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**Chapter 3: Please forgive me**

Jazz music begins… Jessie walked to front of stage and began singing…

Them thats got shall get

Them thats not shall lose

Katie entered from a side door and immediately looked for the singer.

_Oh my god…ohmygodohmygod…it really is her…She is looking so beautiful and my Billie is singing 'our' song…_

So the Bible said and it still is news

Mama may have, papa may have

But God bless the child thats got his own

Thats got his own

While they are playing the transitional beats, Jessie scans the crowd as she usually does

And continues to sing…

Yes, the strong gets more

While the weak ones fade

Empty pockets dont ever make the grade

Mama may have, papa may have

But God bless the child thats got his own

Thats got his own

Katie is mesmerized by the voice; she is in a trance…but she feels Jessie's eyes on her…

Jessie can't see clearly 'coz of high intensity lights blurring her vision but she finds herself staring at one point … towards left … feeling somewhat drawn to a pair of eyes standing by the door looking intently in her direction… Jessie felt a sense of rejuvenation and without moving her gaze, she continued…

Money, youve got lots of friends

Crowding round the door

When youre gone, spending ends

They dont come no more

Rich relations give

Crust of bread and such

You can help yourself

But dont take too much

Mama may have, papa may have

But God bless the child thats got his own

Thats got his own

Katie just stood there, awestruck, she didn't know if Jessie saw her, recognized her … but the whole surrounding had ceased to exist for her, she was again in Jessie's room, sitting on floor, watching Jessie sing this very song…that memory from her past brought her back to reality…_I should leave now, before this song finishes, I don't want to see Jessie…I mean… I already saw her…and I mean just look at her…oh she has grown into a gorgeous lady…so breathtakingly freaking beautiful…oh no no no no…thinking on the wrong track… I don't want to meet her…I can't… I won't…_

Jessie kept singing but her heart had started beating faster, those eyes..., she still couldn't see but she felt 'her'…._ could it be? This could be my luckiest day… I have been wishing for this since…like forever… oh wait…may be it's not her… but it could be…I feel it…I need to go see that for myself…_

Mama may have, papa may have

But God bless the child thats got his own

Thats got his own

He just worry bout nothin

Cause hes got his own 

She got a remarkable applause from audience when she finished the song. She quickly went over to Eli and told him that she needs to go off the stage for 10 minutes or so.

Eli took over and Jessie hurried towards that door on the left. But to her utter disappointment, she didn't find anybody there… at least not that one person she was looking for… she went out and ran on one side of corridor but unfortunately among so many people, she couldn't get far and then hurriedly she tried the other side but nothing….she felt saddened and slowly started walking back…

_May be there was nobody…may be I saw a ghost …aaaggghhhhhh…may be it was just my brain playing tricks on me again…but it felt so real…oh Katie…my Katie…where are you?_

Katie was back in the exhibition room where the pictures were being displayed. She wondered if Jessie saw her and whether Jessie would want to see her again or not. But then she reminded herself that SHE doesn't want to meet Jessie. _If at all, Jessie showed up in my face, I would quickly run to the corner…just couple of hours left before I can go back in hiding…well I sound like somebody is actually looking for me…people have already forgotten you Ms. Singer! _

Jessie came back on stage and sang her share of songs, Eli performed some numbers and Gary sang a couple of oldies and overall performance by the band was very well received. They all thought this would help the band get more deals. She was happy but then she was sad …_was it really just a fiction of my mind… why did I feel that…I so want to see her..._

She was brought back to reality by a very thrilled Rachel.

**Rachel**: "That was simply superb… I was already impressed … but you outdid yourself today!"

**Jessie**: "Thanks…I hope everybody liked it" _Did I really imagine 'her'? OK…FOCUS… this girl you have already gone out twice with is TALKING to YOU_

**Rachel**: "And there is another co-incidence I observed today that you SO wouldn't believe"

**Jessie**: "hmmm… and what would that be?" _she looks cute when she is excited…_

**Rachel**: "Just come with me!"

**Jessie**: "where to…?" _oh just follow her already…_

Near one of the exhibition rooms

**Rachel**: "Just wait here for a sec!"

**Jessie**: "okay…" _hmmm … I am feeling hungry…after Rachel gets done with her stuff, may be we should go for dinner…it will help keep my mind off of a pair of mesmerizing eyes which I saw but didn't see…ahhhh! I hate this…_

In the room

**Rachel**: "There you are… Hello Photographer"

**Katie**: "Oh hello Painter…I heard you got rave reviews for your paintings…" _it's nice to be able to joke about our own vocation! She seems quite excited…I am too…WAS…_

**Rachel**: "I heard the same for you… listen, do you have a minute? I want you to meet somebody…"

**Katie**: "who?" _Another painter…_

**Rachel**: "uhhh… there's this girl… we are kinda dating"

**Katie**: "Somebody's blushing… sure… where is she?"_ oh she is blushing just thinking about her girlfriend…seems like our painter is falling hard for this girl_

**Rachel**: "I wasn't sure if you would agree to meet her …She is outside… this way"

Rachel led Katie out of the room and saw Jessie standing by the door, lost in her own thoughts, supporting herself on the wall…

**Rachel**: "Jessie, I would like you to meet …"

**Jessie**: "Katie!" _ohmygod OH my god OH MY god OH MY GOD… she is in front of me… she is HERE…I see her…this seems real…it IS real…Thank you God…MY Katie is standing in front of me…oh she is …wow… she is stunning…she has grown to be oh-so-more-sexy…ok…I am already drooling …_

**Rachel: **"No… this is Billie… you sang a song by Billie and here we have another Billie … that was the co- incident…and also she is the one who used the word 'cozy' like you did…" failing to get any attention from Jessie, she looked towards Katie continuing "Billie, this is Jessie I told you about"

Meanwhile, Katie didn't know what to say … what to do … she stood there dumbfounded… _of all the people, she had to make me meet the only person I wanted to avoid… I have been running away from for freaking 8 years…but its good to get a close up look… she was looking so beautiful on the stage but here… she is just …oh those lips…luscious than ever…and wait wait wait… they are DATING…why is Jessie dating HER? Then with next words, she even surprised herself_

**Katie**: "Hi…ummm….nice to meet you"

**Jessie**: "huh" …._NICE TO MEET YOU… What the hell…she doesn't remember me??… from her expression, I know she very well remembers me… how could she forget ME… she doesn't want to talk to me…she was there by the door… when I sang that song…but she didn't wait she didn't want to meet me… OFCOURSE she doesn't want to talk to me…she is MAD at me! Remember Jess… you HURT her…_

Rachel was not sure what was going on between the two girls in front of her. It was too awkward; she couldn't make out what their expressions meant but surely the tension around could be cut by a knife. She can sense that they know each other but Billie or Katie or whatever-her-name-is doesn't seem interested in talking to Jessie and Jessie on the other hand seems too surprised (or shocked) So, she thought of taking the matter in her own hands.

**Rachel**: "You guys know each other?"

Immediately she heard two answers

**Katie**: "No" _Make an excuse… just leave…_

**Jessie**: "Yes" _what… why would Katie say "NO"… God … this is so not gonna be easy…_

Rachel thought 'so much for breaking the ice!' She mentally cursed herself for bringing Katie out to meet Jessie. But before Rachel could say anything else, Katie spoke

**Katie**: "Rachel, I got to go… I'll catch you later sometime" _Why is Jessie staring at me like that … I am making it easy for her… just go on with your girlfriend… I hate this word… who made this word ... 'Girlfriend'…uggghhhh_

**Rachel**: "ummm okay…"

Jessie is again shocked at Katie's reaction. _Why can't she even talk to me… she can't even look at me… oh my God… she hates me… of course she hates me…but she could at least talk! For god sake I am not 12 anymore… I can handle such situations… yeah… but HOW?_

Katie is almost leaving when Jessie spoke up

**Jessie**: "No…wait.." _okay come up with something coherent …something intelligent …something that could even remotely work in this situation_

Rachel is looking at her intently while Katie is trying her best not to go for a quick marathon

**Jessie**: "umm…. I need to talk to you…" looking at Katie then moving towards Rachel apologetically, she continued softly "Rachel, I …I …this is important … please..."

_I hope Rachel understands without making me spell everything out…_

Rachel almost immediately understood and nodded

**Rachel**: "sure…umm…I... I'll see you later"

**Katie**: "No, I am leaving too…" _okay so now what… what is she going to talk about anyway… I don want anything to do with her. Why didn't I leave already? Why did I come for this stupid exhibition???_

Without trying to comprehend the situation further, Rachel hurriedly walked away and Katie was about to turn when she felt a hand on her arm, the touch sending shivers all across her body. She quickly moved away

**Jessie**: "Katie… please…wouldn't you even talk to me?" _oh great now these tears as if all the pain, hurt… guilt coming over wasn't enough…Katie HATES me…_

**Katie**: "There is nothing to talk about" _why is she crying… oh God… I can't do this… I don't want to hurt myself again… I want to vanish from this earth…_

**Jessie**: "There is … a ..lo..lot…to talk about …can we please?" _Please just once…I need to apologize… I can't loose her again…oh god …how do I mend it… _

**Katie**: "NO there isn't… I have to go … Good bye" _I didn't know I could be this rude… that too with Jessie but this is it… I don't want to get into that mess again…_

**Jessie**: "Please Katie… just hear me out" _I can't believe this is happening … 8 yrs of remorse is enough of a punishment… I thought I got one more chance…please God help me not blow it again…but she is already leaving…_

Katie walked two more steps and stopped, without turning

**Katie**: "and one thing … one life has already been ruined…don't hurt Rachel now" _I can't believe I am saying this… I wish I could keep her for myself…but oh well …we were never meant to be_

And with that she entered the room, Jessie still standing there trying to grasp what Katie had just said.

_What?... Rachel… hurt her?... I didn't know I was in a relationship with Rachel… I haven't even kissed the girl for God sake… we just went out two times… Did I miss something? Oh uh… Katie thinks I am in love with Rachel…did she say something to Katie? Okay…I need to sort that out…so what do I do first – Talk to Rachel or talk to Katie… well… actually TRY to talk to Katie… but how would I find her again…she could leave without a trace just like she did before… no I can't take a chance…_

_I am not giving up on you Billie… not this time!_

And with that thought and determination in her mind, she wiped off her tears and entered the room where Katie had gone in earlier.

She looked around for Katie and noticed the pictures on display. She moved closer to have a better look at them.

_Wow…these pictures are marvelous…every one is signed 'Billie' so that's why I couldn't get any information on 'Katie Singer' on internet…stupid me! I should have looked up for 'Billie' as well…. She has hid herself for so long … and all coz of me…I am so sorry Katie!_

After looking over few pictures, she scanned the room for Katie and she found her standing in a corner talking to a guy and they were standing too close … at least from Jessie's assessment of the situation

_Who is that guy? Is he Katie's boyfriend? But Katie's gay …so No… but she could have a girlfriend… waiting for her at home… may be that's why Katie doesn't want to talk to me… she loves somebody else and she hates me… But all I want is to apologize to her… if she has somebody in her life, I'll deal with it but I'll NOT give up before telling her how I felt and how I feel… I made that mistake once and I am not repeating it even if that means I have to stalk Katie for sometime to get her just talk to me!_

She walked over to where Katie was standing and stopped behind Katie who was talking to Donny but stopped when she saw Donny looking over her shoulder. She turned around to find ….'Jessie'. But she didn't say anything. She didn't expect Jessie to follow her after that encounter they had few minutes back. And she didn't know how to react in front of Donny

Jessie was receiving Donny's undivided attention by now and Katie seemed to have reserved the right to just keep quiet and was suddenly very busy studying either the floor or her shoes. So, Jessie had to muster the courage to come up with some kind of conversation

**Jessie**: "Katie…ummm... I just…I just… need to talk to you for a bit"

Before Katie could think of a smart and rude answer, Donny chimed in…

**Donny**: "You know her real name…I mean you know 'Katie'?"

**Jessie**: "uhhh yes…" _I don't know what else to say_ …_its funny how people think I don't know my Katie or NOT-SO-MY Katie right now_

**Donny**: "Sorry… it's just that very few people know her by this name…I am Donny Mcnamara by the way" extending his hand

**Jessie**: "Jessica Sammler… Jessie for short" _he is charming and why is Katie not saying anything_

**Donny: **"and you know Katie ….….from?"

**Jessie: **"uhhh…" _what do I say …Katie doesn't even want to acknowledge my presence…_

But before Jessie could come up with an answer, she heard Katie

**Katie**: "we went to same high school" _where my life was turned upside down for loving her with all my heart and she walked right over it…_

Jessie felt another pang of sharp pain in her chest hearing these words ….._So this is where Life has brought us…I am but a mere acquaintance from high school _

**Donny**: "Oh okay"

**Jessie**: "Katie…" _What do I do? What do I say in front of this guy…she is not even giving me a chance to say a single goddamn 'sorry'_

But before Jessie could finish anything

**Katie**: "I have to go … I'll see you later Donny" _why is she following me, I was just fine not knowing where Jessie is and what she does, how she looks … and…now…I can't and I won't hear what she has to say…_

Jessie had never seen Katie like this… Katie was always gentle, sweet and a caring person. …_you deserve this rudeness Jessie… may be this is part of penance _

But she knew nothing she could say or do at the moment would make Katie understand anything… Katie could be quite stubborn when it comes to it… so she just stood there...thinking of some way to reach Katie

**Donny**: "Oh okay…remember we have a flight to catch early morning so…"

**Katie**: "I KNOW… bye" _I hope he doesn't babble out my whole itinerary to her… I am being rude to Jessie AND Donny… poor guy doesn't even know what's going on … but I have to be selfish this time, if I stand near her for few more minutes, I might give in…can't believe I am so attracted to her even now…but then again, when did I ever stop feeling for her!_

With that Katie walked out without waiting to hear Donny say 'Bye'

It got very awkward to stand there with Donny, Jessie didn't know what to say and what not to say 'coz she still didn't know who Donny was in Katie's life…

Donny was thinking on similar track, he had never seen Katie behave like this since the first day he met her. He was quite shocked least to say and felt that there was something more to what this blonde was in Katie's life. Sensing how distressed this girl looked, currently fidgeting her fingers, he thought of inquiring some more.

**Donny**: "She is usually not like that…"

**Jessie**: "I know…" _oh uh… where did that come from … I KNEW Katie but I don't know her anymore…how is she like now…but oh how badly I want to know..._

**Donny**: "So…. uuuuu… it was nice meeting you…"

**Jessie**: "ya…ummm… could you do me a favor?" _why didn't I think of this earlier… If Katie doesn't wanna listen, she will have to read!!! Brilliant! Jessica Sammler…you are one smart girl…_

But this caught Donny off guard

**Donny**: "I …I … I guess… sure … what is it?"

**Jessie**: "Just wait for a sec, please"

Jessie quickly looked for something and moved to an information desk placed in every exhibition room. She picked up a leaflet and quickly scribbled something on the back of it. Then she took another one and wrote something quickly on it too while walking back to Donny.

**Jessie**: "I know you don't know me and I don't know how you know Katie, but I picked up from your conversation with her that you would meet her again…. So could you please give this to her…it's extremely personal… I know I am coming on too strong with all this… but believe me, I don't have a choice…" _why are these damn eyes watering up again… _"If you don't want to do this, that's ok too…I will understand"

Donny didn't know how to react to this whole thing. He was watching a beautiful and seemingly smart girl almost crying in front of a stranger …and this all had something to do with Katie. He didn't know for sure but he sensed what it was. He smiled

**Donny**: "Don't worry…I'll give this note to her… and as you said we don't know each other and I can't console you for whatever is bringing tears in your eyes, I'll just say 'hold on to it… everything will be alright' …Katie is a dear friend and this is the least I could do for her…"

**Jessie**: "Oh thank you so much… and here's my number … if you ever think I need to know something ….for Katie...I mean ….about her… I mean…if ever… I guess you would just know …" _he is a nice guy… and he is just a friend… wohhooooo… and I am babbling…yipheee…_

**Donny**: "Awww… I thought that's for me …getting pretty lady's number without even trying doesn't happen after all!"

He mocked hurt while Jessie handed him the other paper and genuinely smiled.

**Jessie**: "Thanks… thanks a lot!" _I hope she reads it…_

**Donny**: "You are welcome"

**Jessie**: "I should go… bye"

**Donny**: "Alrighty...bye... Take care"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

After giving that letter to Donny, Jessie had another important task at hand, so she called Rachel and they planned to meet at a nearby restaurant.

In the restaurant:

**Rachel**: "So, I guess a blast from the past?"

**Jessie**: "umm yeah … you could call it that…" _why are things always this complicated…_

**Rachel**: "I really don't know what to say… If I knew I wouldn't have requested her to meet you… I am sorry…"

**Jessie**: "Oh no no… please don't be sorry, rather I am thankful to you for doing that… I have been hoping to meet her for last few years …so it was only a good thing …you played fate for me… but I apologize for putting you in midst of this chaos" _oh she is so nice and I hurt her…I can see that in her eyes…_

**Rachel**: "well… I guess whatever had to happen, did happen so no apologies needed ….so did you talk to her… don't mean to encroach … but if you care to share…?"

**Jessie**: "No not really… she doesn't want to talk… but I have to try my best… you know Rachel … it may seem like a blast from my past… but she never became my past… I have lived every single day consciously or unconsciously thinking about her, talking to her, feeling her…" _I don't know if I am doing the right thing by telling all this to Rachel …but it's easy to talk to her…_

**Rachel**: "so ….you guys will be getting together now…"

**Jessie**: "oh No… I wish for that… really … but she is mad at me... we broke up coz of me… so she doesn't even want to talk to me… and I don't even know if she is with somebody or not…." _I don't want these tears AGAIN…what the hell… why can't I talk about Katie without feeling so god damn emotional…_

**Rachel**: "well… what if you do talk to her and she doesn't want to get together with you again?"

**Jessie**: "I believe in Karma… so that will be the end of our dealing with each other… somehow the flow of energy between us would end for this lifetime I guess… but I won't give up as it is… She is the only one who reaches my soul… and even if she is angry…not talking to me, just being around her makes me content… anyway… sorry about babbling like that… I may sound really selfish here but I just don't want to drag you into my mess… if Katie hadn't come into my life again, I don't know how things would have been between us but for now, I need to just see where this second round of Katie leads me to…" _I hope I am not being unfair to Rachel … she really is a nice person…_

**Rachel**: "hey… cheer up… its okay… never knew you are so emotional and spiritual… well I really like you and did hope for more… but I guess we can at least be friends?"

**Jessie**: "sure… would love to be friends with such a great artist" _okay things are better now… _

Donny knocked on Katie's room in the hotel they had booked to stay for this event

Katie opened the door but seemed to be on her way somewhere

**Donny**: "You are going somewhere?"

**Katie**: "Yeah… I just need some fresh air… ummm listen Donny… I am sorry about ..before.. I didn't mean to offend you in anyway…" _I just hope he isn't too mad at me...I can't deal with another issue…_

**Donny**: "Don't worry about it… I understand… I have something for you…here.."

Donny handed over the note from Jessie to Katie

**Katie**: "what is this?" _seems like a pamphlet…_ "I hope you are not quitting on me with this piece of paper as your resignation"_…haha that sounded funny even in my head…_

**Donny**: "Very funny… No I am not quitting on you just yet … this is from Jessie"

**Katie**: "oh okay" _what did she write a note for… I don't want to know what she has to say… I am not reading it… but I WANT to read it so badly…_

**Donny**: "Do read it … I don't know what's between you two… but think positive and rationally before you act… very few people get second chances…"

**Katie**: "hmmm ok… I am going to this place where we went a couple of days back…Marina … I'll see you later" _Did Jessie tell Donny about us?… but I don't want to dwell on it… he is very emotional right now… and must be thinking about Lisa…oh how they loved each other…_

Katie drove her rental car to Marina. She liked this place and besides, she didn't want to drive too far, she wanted to get back at a decent hour as she had an early flight to catch; this place was serene and she just needed some peace to clear some things in her head

She parked her car and took out the note from her bag. She sighed and slowly opened it- and saw a very familiar handwriting… some words hastily written…

Katie,

I hurt you, I didn't mean to…

I couldn't talk to you, but I want to...

My 'sorry' may mean nothing now, but from the bottom of my heart, I apologize

-Please forgive me!

Hoping to be forgiven,

Jessie

Katie read the note over and over again. She didn't know what to think when myriad of emotions hit her. She was overwhelmed by the words so full of emotion. She relaxed, let her tears fall freely. She cried like never before…


	4. What hurts the most

**Title: ****Show me the meaning**

A/N – I really liked a video of Jessie and Katie made by a fan with background song "What hurts the most" by Rascal Flatts so I used that in this chapter

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**Chapter 4: What hurts the most**

Back in LA, Katie was sitting in balcony of her hotel suite with that many times read note from Jessie in her hand. She was lost in those similar thoughts again. Images of Jessie singing then almost crying in front of her were flashing through her mind. She didn't know how and if at all that note changes anything for her and Jessie and their future. Since reading that note from Jessie, she was feeling relieved, not exactly happy but not sad as well. She was content that Jessie didn't forget her and somewhere knew that Katie was hurt by her behavior back then. Katie wasn't sure what Jessie was conveying through the note – that she regrets how things turned between them and it's just an overdue apology OR she wants to give them a second chance.

_She is with Rachel now. So, of course she is not thinking about being friends with me again. I mean I am her 'ex'… why am I feeling jealous about her relationship with Rachel… we both moved on. I have been with different people; she has been in relationships…so why am I feeling so possessive about her. What do I want? And she did apologize but would she still want to talk to me after the attitude I gave her… what were you thinking Singer…just be rude with her and you can wash all your feelings for her. She still touches me deep inside and I have been running from my own feelings…nothing changed… just one look from her and all I can think of is spending rest of my life just looking back at her. Now I know how to find her…I can talk to her…but do I want her back in my life? Well… considering she won't even talk to me…how I can play by my conditions? BUT then again what do "I" want? God this is confusing … I don't know what I want. Life was better just feeling hurt and not knowing if Jessie felt sorry for our break up. I always assumed she was better off without me… may be she still is… she didn't need me…she doesn't need me. So, I should just take off…physical distance may not subside this pain but it calms down the urge to just go and knock on her door. I haven't signed the contract yet…so…I should just…though Donny wouldn't be too pleased but I hope he'll understand…like he did when I told him that I don't want to talk about Jessie on our flight back to LA._

**Donny**: "Hello"

**Katie**: "Hey Donny… listen I wanted to talk to you about the project"

**Donny**: "oh yeah.. Me too"

**Katie**: "really… what about it?" _may be they just cancelled this thing on their own…_

**Donny**: "Steve sent me the contract documents and we have to give them back in couple of days… also he wanted you to meet him tomorrow, they are starting pre-production meetings"

**Katie**: "Oh ok… the thing is …I was kind of thinking about it… ummm.. you know I really don't like to get bounded like this…" _okay I need to be firm about it before he starts scolding me.._

**Donny**: "SINGER… you are NOT backing away from this one!"

**Katie**: "Donny… you don't understand" _ok got to come up with something to make him understand…_

**Donny**: "Oh you are mistaken… I totally understand … … for once I thought you listened to me and agreed to do something people who love you want you to do …. But you know what … I am not going to convince you about any damn thing now … its your life… do as you feel like…"

**Katie**: "I am sorry Donny… it's just that…"

**Donny**: "I don't need to know what it is… but I already agreed on you meeting Steve tomorrow assuming you would go … so if you think you can come down there and decline the contract yourself… thus may be helping my reputation as an agent a bit…. Though I guess it doesn't really matter to you … so I'll leave that to you… no pressure…"

**Katie**: "I am so sorry Donny… umm… I'll be there… what time?"

**Donny**: "11:30 morning…"

And he hung up.

**Katie**: "uhhh ok….bye"

_What was I thinking …of course I was just thinking about me…I am so selfish…this was a good career move for Donny as well… oh God… I am so bad… _

**OMNI Studio**

**Niki**: "We are here now, can you please stop being so miserable? I understand this is hard for you but it has only been few days since you gave her that note… may be she will call you…"

**Jessie**: "You know if she wanted to.., she would have already… but … um… I am sorry… I didn't mean to spoil your mood… this is our first meeting … and I assure you everything is going to be just great" _I have been so selfish lately … Grace and Niki have been so patient with me…I should be happy for them if not myself…_

**Niki**: "I hope so too… so I'll see you here in few minutes… I need to check few things with Steve

**Jessie**: "Okay" _I want to run away and hide from this world…I feel so incomplete…so lonely…_

Jessie sat idly in the conference room waiting for everybody to show up; her mind going back to one person she never gets tired of thinking about. She was musing over what could have happened if things had been different and whether her note would make Katie talk to her again. She sighed and closed her eyes.

_If I hadn't been so afraid …if I had faced my fears then… oh how I wish my heart didn't hurt like this…and worse is this feeling of pain of hurting a person who truly loved me …. This is supposed to be an experience and my soul is learning something from this personality I have been given for this lifetime… may be the purpose this time really is to just face my fears. If I had learned how badly my fears were affecting our relationship that day when Katie felt like trash in our relationship… I mean 'trash'!! That word alone should have jolted me up …she even said she felt like a 'mistress'… and I still couldn't bring myself to face the reality. And she is such an angel…she called and apologized for something that was truly my fault… _

**Jessie**: "Hello"

**Katie**: "Hey Jess…you ok?"

**Jessie**: "yeah… I am ok"

**Katie**: "Listen I am sorry for before… I came after you … but then I thought may be we should both cool off a bit"

**Jessie**: "I understand… it's just that it really isn't how I feel for you…"

**Katie**: "I know… lets just forget about today okay?"

**Jessie**: "Yeah… so do you want to come over..?"

**Katie**: "umm… I think we should just take it easy for tonight… how about I come over to your place tomorrow after school..?"

**Jessie**: "ummm okay"

------------------

Jessie and Katie entered Sammler-Manning house and after putting their bags aside, went in living room, sitting on couch

**Jessie**: "So are we ok?"

**Katie**: "Yeah… we are fine"

**Jessie**: "You know I was thinking …to put yesterday behind us, may be we should spend more time together…would you stay here tonight"

**Katie**: "hmm… what do you have in your mind Billie...but I am okay with whatever it is… we'll ask the parents"

**Jessie**: "You are bad... we can't ask our parents if we can kiss or not?"

**Katie**: " awwww my Billie is being a smart ass… and is dying to kiss me… come here"

Jessie and Katie were kissing passionately on the couch when sound of door opening made Jessie jump off the couch startling Katie.

**Jessie**: "Oh Hi Lily…"

**Lily**: "Hello girls… How was school?... Katie dear you look pale… are you alright?"

**Katie**: "umm yeah I guess… m fine"

**Lily**: "okay… so I am cooking tonight and you are welcome to stay for dinner"

**Katie**: "I …I … "

**Jessie**: "Actually she can't… she has some important stuff to do at home"

**Katie**: "Yeah I have to go….Bye Mrs.Sammler"

Katie immediately picked her bag and ran off towards her car, Jessie followed her…

**Jessie**: "Katie.. I am sorry…I just …."

**Katie**: "I JUST WHAT?"

**Jessie**: "Please calm down…I don't know what I was thinking…"

**Katie**: "You know what … I can't believe one minute you want me to stay the night with you and the next….never mind…"

**Jessie**: "I …umm…Katie… I …please…"

**Katie**: "It's ok Jess… I get it … you are ASHAMED of me… let alone telling everybody that I am your Girlfriend…. You don't even want me around as a normal friend anymore… This is it… I can't take it …you are free to be with the person you are genuinely proud of Jessica Sammler."

And with that, Katie drove off from the Sammler- Manning house for the last time, leaving a very perplexed Jessie standing behind. Slowly it sank in Jessie's mind that Katie had broken off with her. She couldn't even breathe for few moments when everything registered in her mind. HER Katie had broken off with her. She had never imagined in her wildest dreams that they could actually break up. For her, they were 'forever'.

Next few days were horrible for both the girls. They were miserable without each other but both made a point not to run into each other thinking the other is better off without her. Then days became weeks and things went worse from bad as neither made an effort to do anything about their situation. Katie would walk off if Tad or Grace tried to talk about Jessie. And Jessie would make a point to not spend a single second more than required in school. Though Tad tried talking to her few times, sounding still hopeful that Jessie would go out with him.

And one of those times, Katie saw them standing together near Jessie's lockers strengthening her belief that they broke up for good.

Katie was happy that she was graduating high school and would leave school and this town forever. She had applied to schools all over the world but Illinois or per say anywhere but this town, city, state…

Jessie, on the other hand, had been thinking to apologize to Katie before she leaves for college. Somewhere in her heart, she hoped things would be back to normal if Katie forgives her and they get a second chance.

On graduation day, after the ceremony, when everybody was saying 'goodbye's

Jessie mustered some courage and walked up to Katie, who was surrounded by a lot of her admirers. As if just feeling Jessie's presence, Katie turned to see a very nervous Jessie.

**Jessie**: "Hi… umm… Congratulations"

**Katie**: "Hi… Thanks!"

**Jessie**: "I just… can we… can we meet?"

**Katie**: "ummm… I didn't quite understand…"

**Jessie**: "Can we meet …outside… I mean… can we meet …may be over a cup of coffee?"

**Katie**: "oh ..okay… where?"

**Jessie**: "Amici's … is 7 ok?"

**Katie**: "yeah…so.."

Before Katie could ask Jessie if she needed a ride… they were interrupted by Tad, who came over and put an arm around Jessie.

**Tad**: "Hey Jess…Hey Singer.. Congratulations!"

**Katie**: "Thanks"

**Tad**: "Jessie… so we are on for tonight … Grace said that I should pick you up…"

And just before Jessie could reply, Katie gave her the saddest look ever and started walking away…

**Jessie**: "Katie … wait!"

But Katie didn't stop.

-----------------------------------------------------

Jessie felt tears running on her cheeks… she opened her eyes and realized that people were starting to come in for the meeting. She got up and went to restroom to freshen up.

Katie entered the studio and asked for "Steve Andrews" at the reception. She was escorted to the main conference room where quite a number of people were already present, and some were making their way inside… she scanned the crowd and looked for Steve who was standing with a tall brunette. She walked over to Steve…

**Katie**: "Hi Steve.."

**Steve**: "Oh well Hello there… I see my Cinematographer has made it on time!"

**Katie**: "I need to talk to you about something" _I wish this was easier…_

**Steve**: "Sure… first let me introduce you to this pretty lade over here… this is Niki, production assistant for this project…and Niki… this is Billie, amazing photographer, the one who does documentaries"

Niki shook Katie's extended hand and smiled

**Niki**: "Nice to meet you… Steve has been talking incessantly about work"

**Katie**: "Hopefully positive?" _is my work really worth talking…_

Before Niki could reply, she saw Jessie coming through the opposite side and her eyes lit up… and having known Jessie for quite many years now, she immediately saw the puffy eyes…

**Niki**: "There you are…. I was looking for you… you ok, sweetie?"

Jessie didn't reply as her eyes were fixed on the most marvelous creature on this earth standing right in front of her, and to her pleasure, staring back at her. Jessie had the most genuine smile plastered on her face, while Katie was just lost for words. She didn't know if she was happy to see Jessie or just amazed at the co-incident of bumping into her yet again.

When Jessie didn't reply, Niki walked over and put an arm around Jessie's shoulders. Jessie flinched at the contact and before hearing Niki's words, she saw Katie's expression… _did I see her feeling jealous about Niki…I am just imagining things…_

**Niki**: "You ok?"

Jessie smiled sweetly and threw a very reassuring glance towards Katie as if telling her that I am all yours…

**Jessie**: "Yeah I am ok… actually I am far better than ok…now "

Katie didn't understand if Jessie was trying to convey that she was happy to see her or she implied that this Niki's presence made her 'very happy'

**Niki**: "Well good… here let me do the long due introductions… Jessie, this is Steve, who is co-coordinating this project with me for OMNI and this is Billie, joining us as a Cinematographer…..guys, this is Jessie, one of our screenwriters… and I must add a very talented one!"

Jessie extended her hand towards Steve

**Steve**: "Jessie… Nice to meet you… Niki told me a lot about you"

Then she moved towards Katie, smiling but missed the wink Steve gave just after he finished saying how Niki talks a lot about her.

**Jessie**: "Hi…. Good to see you …" _I can't believe my luck…God she looks so damn hot even in simple tank top and jeans …I so want to hug her… AND WHAT? SCARE HER OFF… Jess… take a hold on that WILD mind of yours…_

And this time, Jessie didn't see that stoic expression on Katie's face. Shaking her hand which sent electricity in both their bodies, Katie managed to mumble out a hello.

**Katie**: "Hello…" _she looks genuinely happy to see me… may be she still… OK NO going back to may be's and if not's … and moreover something is going on here … I wonder what happened to Rachel…_

**Niki**: "You know each other"

Jessie chose not to answer this question in front of Steve. She will explain this to Niki afterwards anyway

**Katie**: "Yeah… we met at this event…"

**Steve**: "Oh great… so Billie you wanted to talk to me about something?"

Hearing that, Katie snapped back to reality, she has to tell Steve that she is not on board with this project. But before they could retreat to another meeting room, the speaker on the microphone requested everybody to take their seats and invited Steve on the podium to give an overview of the project. Steve excused himself; Niki led Jessie towards their seats followed by a very reluctant Katie, who took the farther available seat from Jessie.

After Steve explained the project and how and why OMNI wants to produce the short films, there was a break for few minutes and then the conference was to be resumed.

During break, Katie was getting some coffee when she heard the most melodious voice in the world

**Jessie**: "I see I am not the only one who needs caffeine after that sleep inducing sermon by Steve." _smooth… yes try to be smoooooooth…._

Turning around…

**Katie**: "yeah…" _how about saying more than one word… how about telling her that you need coffee 'coz of the splitting headache you got since you saw her today_

**Jessie**: "so… ummm… you are working on these films too…ummm… it's good to finally know what you do … and where you would be working…" _okay did I really need to declare that … she is all stiff and still not in my KATIE-mode …_

**Katie**: "ummm… I am not…" _okay just tell her…_

**Jessie**: "What was that….sorry I didn't catch it…" _can we please hug now…_

**Katie**: "I said I am NOT on board with this… I came here to tell Steve that…." _Let's see the REACTION now…relieved?hurt?sad?_

**Jessie**: "That you can't work with him?" _Or we could just get back to running away…_

**Katie**: "Yeah…" _ok that was a pure Sammler smirk…_

**Jessie**: "Which in reality means that YOU CAN NOT stand me!… you made this decision after seeing me here today… God… I did it again… I made you decide to run away again…. Good going Jessie!"

**Katie**: "NO… it isn't like that… I decided earlier…. before…." _She still can read me like a book…_

**Jessie**: "before you ran into me…" _of course it was not 'coz of me… not at all…my foot!_

**Katie**: "ummm…" _so now I am seeing the anger… in those beautiful blue globes…_

**Jessie**: "And that would have definitely helped in backing up the choice…. So let me see… this wouldn't have to do anything with you seeing a 'blast from past' at the Event… and getting a stupid note from me…" _ok Sammler… flip …charm is not going to work here… challenge mode NOW_

**Katie**: "you know I am not going to listen to this here…" _I shouldn't have come here at all…_

**Jessie**: "Damn right … you are not going to listen to ME in HERE…. Come with me."

Their voices were rising and she didn't want to make a scene so Jessie grabbed Katie's arm and led her out of the conference to an adjoining vacant room…

**Katie**: "You are hurting me…. You don't have any right to…"

**Jessie**: "YES and YES… Hurting is all I do… and I don't have any right on you … I didn't back then and I don't now…."

**Katie**: "Look… just ….umm… what do you want?"

**Jessie**: "How about what do YOU want…" _if we were in cartoons, people reading us would be rolling their ass off on the floor_

**Katie**: "I don't think I need to answer you" _why is she fuming … she is the one who didn't want 'us'…_

**Jessie**: "OKAY….You have every right to be mad at me… and I know I upset you back then and it was all my fault…and I really do apologize from the bottom of my heart… but you have been running away from your own life and I just want you to be yourself again … do what you like to do and be where you want to be …" _okay …just notching this a bit down… see any desired results yet?_

**Katie**: "More like I have been running from YOU" I_ can't believe after all these years, we are fighting like this…but why is this fighting turning me on… ok back to track …back to track…_

**Jessie**: "you think I wouldn't know that after not getting through you by phone calls, emails, and letters for 2 years…. And THEN wondering where to send the letters to, which number to call and which id to send email to 'coz I didn't have a damn clue where you went…" _okay… this is not getting any better_

**Katie**: "So you have an idea" _may be I shouldn't have told Mom to return those letters… and may be I shouldn't have changed my cell number… and may be I shouldn't have disabled that email account…was she really sorry at that time too? But I was so mad at her for choosing to go with Tad and not me …_

**Jessie**: "Yes and you know what…" deep breath….. "If you really want to run away from me….. FACE your freaking fears and face ME…. Live your life for yourself… if my apology isn't enough for you to forgive me then get over your fears….I promise you I wouldn't come in your way… nothing that you don't want… just …please just don't give up this job 'coz of 'us' …even if there is no 'us' today… for the sake of 'us' in yesterday, be Katie Singer and show the world… how talented, how wonderful…you are.." _oh crap these tears… such a mush…ok my own soul is laughing hard on this emotional persona of me… time to hold them back_

**Katie**: "I don't think we need to talk about all this" _Jess… is there a 'us' in future?_

**Jessie: **"And I think we do…."

**Katie**: "Why should we act per YOUR thinking always?... YOU got to decide OUR fate long time back…. and …. Anyway….why give a damn to what I do and what I don't NOW…" _that sounded soooooo mean… and even her sighing over my ridiculous words is making me feel so connected to her…_

**Jessie**: "I never wanted to break up with you but you are right! I really got to make some great decisions in my life…And what a decision that was!!!…I mean how would you NOT take a 16 yr old confused-scared girl as an authority?" _why can't I just go back in time!!!!_

**Katie**: "Whatever that was… it steered my life in a totally different direction… these last 8 yrs…."

Jessie interrupted

**Jessie**: "I wish I could just do something… may be just die and somehow trade my death with God to give you back those years….trade for everything you missed on…."

Both were on the verge of crying at this point and Katie couldn't take it anymore. Jessie's words were hitting her hard and she didn't know how to deal with them.

**Katie**: "I don't think there is any point in talking about all that right now. I have to go"

Before Jessie could react, Katie left the room and ran outside.

Jessie didn't feel like going back to conference room and she wasn't up for answering Niki about her puffy eyes, so she walked to her car and after sitting for 10 minutes thinking about her arguments with Katie, she drove towards her apartment- listening to her favorite song again and again:

"**What hurts the most** …."

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do  
Ooohhh...


End file.
